Authoritative Parenting

The authoritative parenting style has been proven to have the most positive effect on children.  If you are wondering what authoritative parenting it, it is a parent that is flexible, consistent, and seeks to build a strong connection with their child with proper discipline and teaching opportunities.  Compare that to the two other styles authoritarian and permissive.  Authoritarian is very strict, think "my way or the high way."  Permissive parenting is negligent; they allow children to make their own rules, and they don't discipline.
When you look at the intents behind each parenting style, it becomes clear that authoritarian and permissive are selfish in that they are focused on what the parent wants.  Authoritative is built around and focused on the child and seeking what is best for the child. 
An authoritative parent is working with the child to develop courage, responsibility, cooperation, and respect.  To be authoritative one must have high connection (intimacy), high regulation (rules), and high autonomy (granting permission/choices).  Children raised with authoritative parents grow up with greater confidence and self-esteem, as well as independence.
This is definitely the parenting style I plan to incorporate in my home when I have children.  I have learned that authoritative parenting follows our Heavenly Father's example of parenting.  He has high expectations and rules, but he gives us the ability to chose.  As we seek him, we will develop a greater connection and closeness with our Father.  Authoritative parenting is the the ultimate goal.

Transparency

When it comes to communication in family and marriage, transparency is a key part.  When I think of transparency I think of clear, honest, see-through, and straightforward.  Many people think that to be transparent is to be vulnerable, even weak.  Others may think that the other person should be able to "read their mind" without them saying anything.  The reason transparency is so great in relationships is because it prevents many misunderstandings.  It is a form of communication that gets rid of any incorrect assumptions and stops future conflict.  When you are transparent in you feelings and thoughts, it creates an honest, open communication.  To say what you feel, is more liberating than vulnerable.
What do you think?

Teaching Children

Parents need to be teaching their children about sex and marital intimacy at a young age.  If we don't teach them then they will turn to outside sources like friends and media to learn.  If you want to teach your children values and standards related to sex, it starts with "the talk."  It's important to know that there isn't just one talk to have with your child, but multiple ongoing communication.  The ultimate goal is to have open communication with your children so they can turn to you whenever questions arise.  If you can talk opening about sex, you can talk openly about anything.  Teaching children young is a way to teach them to be mature about it and understand changes that will eventually occur in their body.  I know how this can be an awkward conversation and even be uncomfortable for the parents, but it is so important to be informed from a reliable source.

Some techniques I learned in my psychology class are: 

• Open: when a child comes to you with a question, be open with them.  If you are unsure how to respond to your child, be honest and say, "I'm not ready to answer that question yet, let me look into it and talk to you later tonight." 
• Eye Contact: Even if you feel uncomfortable  (Not keeping eye contact sends the message that "this is not okay to bring up."  So they will avoid talking to you about it.)
• Answer what is asked:  By the questions you child asks you can measure what your child is ready to hear about. (Be sure to ask context, because they could be referring to something entirely different. Where did they here it?)
• When to teach:  Developmentally appropriate for age.  A great resource to go by is "A Parents Guide," you can find it on lds.org
• Age 2: Modesty
• Age 3-5: inappropriate touching
• Age 7-11: Children start coming with questions.  Give your child a heads up to what they will learn in their Maturation class.  (teach them about sex)  
• Regularly discuss throughout the teen years.

I thought this topic was enlightening and I am glad to know how to best teach children what they need to know.  Hope this can be a resource you can turn to.

Fidelity

I believe fidelity in marriage is extremely important to keep.  Marriage is a sacred promise to give your all to your spouse and no one else.  Infidelity breaks a trust that can rarely be re-built.  One of the reasons why I am all for strengthening fidelity in the marriage is because most infidelity leads to divorce which leads to broken families.  Another reason (probably the biggest) is that fidelity in marriage is a commandment from God.  God said, "Thou shalt love thy [spouse] with all they heart, and shalt cleave unto [them] and none else." (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22)
Now I want to discuss some ways to avoid infidelity in marriage.  One large influence is cohabiting, and it isn't positive. Many people have the false idea that cohabiting before marriage will strengthen a later marriage, but cohabitation has proven to show greater divorce rates, greater infidelity, and less trust. 
There are a few forms a infidelity, the one that seems to start them all is emotional fidelity.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your fidelity in marriage.

• Am I turning to my friends/family for comfort rather than my spouse?
• Do I seek opportunities to be with a friend even when school/work don't require it?
• Do I compare my spouse to my friend?
• Am I tempted to hide anything from my spouse?

Lastly, I want to end with a quote from Spencer W. Kimbal, "When the Lord says, all they heart, it allows for no sharing, nor dividing, nor depriving."  In marriage we need to remember the promises we have made and always be working to strengthen those bonds we have.  

Strength in marriage

In our class discussion this week we have been talking about marriage and specifically how to strengthen marriage.  I want to share a few things from our discussions and I know if everyone can apply these ideas it will greatly benefit them. 
Newly married couples:  necessary adjustments in the 1st year of marriage.

• Relationship boundaries
• A patter for resolving conflict
• Time management
• Money management
• Mutual decision making
• Distribution of responsibilities
• Lifestyle: Eating, sleeping
• Social Circles
• Physical intamacy
• Family boundaries: time spent with extended family
• Maintaining an individual identity

"Whatever Patterns you establish early in marriage will likely follow throughout the marriage."

Keeping a marriage strong:
In a study it was found the couples who had 10 areas of significant incompatibility were on their way to divorce.  And it was found that couples who reported satisfaction and strength in marriage also had 10 areas of significant incompatibility.  What was the difference between the happy couples and the unhappy couples? 

• Those people with good marriages almost always have had to work really hard at it.
• Couples should not compare their weaknesses with others' strengths.
• Couples who say "Thank you" and show appreciation on a daily basis are closer and stronger.  This may be because:
• You recognize more of what you appreciate about one another.
• It creates a better home environment.
• It gets rid of feelings of entitlement.

I encourage all to apply these principles and see how they effect their relationships.  I know you can heal any wounds if you work at it together.  Move forward with hope and faith.

Stable Relationships

Today I want to talk about something that not only applies to me personally at this time in my life but absolutely applies to everyone.  I think that if we all learned this early in our lives we would be better off. In my class we discussed a little on Dr. John Van Epp's book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.  The main aspect we covered was the R.A.M.  This stands for Relationship Attachment Model I believe it explains things clearly and honestly.

I want to explain this a little so it makes sense.  (As I lay the model out in words, I want you to look at the relationships you have in your life and see how they correlate.)  A solid relationship starts with getting to know someone.
1. You need to know someone at a higher level than you trust them.
2. You shouldn't rely on someone more than you trust them. 
3. Never commit more than you can rely on someone.
4. Do not touch more than your ability to commit.
It is interesting to think about.  I hope this model helps anyone who is seeking a relationship but hasn't been able to go about it in a successful way.

Hope you all have a great week! 

Sibling Love

Hope you all are having a Happy May! 
This week in my Family Relations class we reviewed a study done about siblings, specifically sisters.  What the study found was that having a sister protected adolescents from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful.  "Having a loving sibling of either gender promoted good deeds, such as helping a neighbor or watching out for other kids at school... loving siblings fostered charitable attitudes more than loving parents did." 
Interesting right?  I just wanted to say how grateful I am for my siblings, brother and sisters.  I am also so grateful for my brother and sister in-law.  I have been changed for knowing them, and it was definitely for the better.  I also want to add my belief in the importance of having multiple children and how it will truly benefit the children in development and having a sense of belonging. 
I hope you all can love and appreciate your siblings in ways that are special to you. 
Love,  Kirsten

P.S.  here is the link to the study if you are interested:
Sisters give siblings better mental health

Tammy's Example

Hello everyone,

In my Family Relations class this week we viewed some videos that were very intriguing.  They were some clips from a documentary called, "People Like Us: Social Class in America."  There was one that I particularly liked and was moved by.  It was about a woman named Tammy, and even with odds and judgmental people going against her, she was trying her best to make a better life for her and her children.  I invite you to watch it, it is about 7 minutes.  Tammy's Story

I feel for both Tammy and her children and I recognize that because of the overall situation it creates issues and heart ache for everyone.  I have been taught the importance of education and hard work.  Education is a large predictor of someones ultimate outcome in life.  Education is a wealth in itself.  Tammy's and her son's goals and desires are so great, and after I watched this I was really hoping someone would step in a be willing to help this struggling family.  I think it is better and "best" to lift one another up as a humanity, as neighbors and as brothers and sisters.  I encourage each of you reading this to develop great goals and continually work toward them and then create new goals.  I also encourage you to find an opportunity to help someone every day.  It will be a blessing in your life. 

- Kirsten

Family Ties

I have been learning about similar things in a few of my classes this week.  One thing that stands out is how family members each have roles they play in the family.  Some roles are assigned by others, some they choose for themselves.  Some roles come and go as needed, but there are also very important roles we have that keep our family balanced.
To give an idea of what I am talking about, think of a time when you might have moved away from home for a time.  When you returned home to visit or stay, did you ever revert back to past roles or responsibilities.  This happens quite often.  Sometime when we seek to change roles it can create conflict in a system.
The ultimate goal in a family or any other system is create balance.  With that comes roles each individual can have to give fully of themselves to others.  There is a message given by Dallin H. Oaks titled, "Good, Better, Best" that gives some insight into how we each can take part in strengthening the home and family.

 ...

"The number of those who report that their 'whole family usually eats dinner together' has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together 'eating meals at home is the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.' Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs. There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.

President Gordon B. Hinckley has pleaded that we 'work at our responsibility as parents as if everything in life counted on it, because in fact everything in life does count on it.'

He continued: 'I ask you men, particularly, to pause and take stock of yourselves as husbands and fathers and heads of households. Pray for guidance, for help, for direction, and then follow the whisperings of the Spirit to guide you in the most serious of all responsibilities, for the consequences of your leadership in your home will be eternal and everlasting.'

The First Presidency has called on parents 'to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles. … The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place … in … this God-given responsibility.' The First Presidency has declared that 'however worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform.'"

What I take from Dallin H. Oaks message is that we all have specific gifts and abilities that allow us to help others in only ways we could.  Along with that, we should give others the opportunity to use their gifts to best help us.  

- Kirsten

(Hope this thought wasn't too long, I don't plan to make them all this long.)

Communication

I want to discuss communication in marriage.  I read an article in my Parenting class by John Gottman titled, What Makes Marriage Work?  I have often seen family or friends and all their different ways of communicating, along with all the conflict that comes from it.  I think this article by Gottman has great insight and wisdom in how we can better our relationships through communicating.  Even though I am not married yet, it is something I can apply in my life with all relationships and will definitely help once I am married. 

Some definitions of problem solving styles:  (John Gottman's What Makes Marriage Work)

Validating: Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.

Volatile: Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate disputes.

Conflict-avoiding: Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on. 

After you know the style you use and the style those around you use, you can start to adapt and know how to better communicate with each other.  John Gottman used a term the “four horseman.”  These are the problems that can get in the way if we don’t keep them in check.  They include:

Criticism: Attacking character, pointing out weaknesses, and using phrases like, “You never… or You always…” 

Contempt: Sarcasm, mockery, body language, belittling, insults, psychological, and intent to hurt.

Defensiveness: Denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing, and negative mind reading.

Stonewalling: Silent treatment, avoid talking about things; Manipulative.

If you are able to avoid all four horsemen you are already on your way to resolving a conflict.  I thought the information in this article was so critical, and I wanted to share it with everyone.  I hope you learn a lot like I have and I hope you take the opportunity to apply these concepts. 

Family

I want to start my blog with sharing how I personally feel about family.  Family is an institution created by God; not only do we have our individual families, but we are all one eternal spiritual family.  A family is a support system, a personal refiner, a home, a gift, and a place to turn for advice.  All families are different and quite often there are broken, divided, shunned, or lost families and family members.  A loving family is something everyone can have, whether it is extended, adopted, or any other.  I am so grateful to have the wonderful family I do.  They have been there for me whenever I felt lost, confused, or hurt.  I love them.  I hope to share through this blog how important family and life is to me.  I also hope to help others realize the importance of their own families in their life.
To start I am sharing a link, that will share the base of my beliefs and hopes:
mormon.org/family 

Thank you for reading!