Communication

I want to discuss communication in marriage.  I read an article in my Parenting class by John Gottman titled, What Makes Marriage Work?  I have often seen family or friends and all their different ways of communicating, along with all the conflict that comes from it.  I think this article by Gottman has great insight and wisdom in how we can better our relationships through communicating.  Even though I am not married yet, it is something I can apply in my life with all relationships and will definitely help once I am married. 

Some definitions of problem solving styles:  (John Gottman's What Makes Marriage Work)

Validating: Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.

Volatile: Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate disputes.

Conflict-avoiding: Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on. 

After you know the style you use and the style those around you use, you can start to adapt and know how to better communicate with each other.  John Gottman used a term the “four horseman.”  These are the problems that can get in the way if we don’t keep them in check.  They include:

Criticism: Attacking character, pointing out weaknesses, and using phrases like, “You never… or You always…” 

Contempt: Sarcasm, mockery, body language, belittling, insults, psychological, and intent to hurt.

Defensiveness: Denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing, and negative mind reading.

Stonewalling: Silent treatment, avoid talking about things; Manipulative.

If you are able to avoid all four horsemen you are already on your way to resolving a conflict.  I thought the information in this article was so critical, and I wanted to share it with everyone.  I hope you learn a lot like I have and I hope you take the opportunity to apply these concepts.